Gendered Socialization and Parenthood
Every family holiday for as long as I can remember was catered by the women in the family. There was always a very clear gendered division of labor where the women would be in the kitchen preparing meals, setting the table, and cleaning up after, while the men would be in front of the TV, drinking and socializing. I never really said anything about it until last Thanksgiving when I made a comment about it to my mom. In response to asking why none of the men in the family were helping when I got to her house, she told me that she had told them not to help her because it would overwhelm her if she had people in the kitchen with her. But why was she the one expected to coordinate the meal at all?
The concept of gender socialization is something that I find interesting as a woman. Socialization as defined by Cohen is “the process by which individuals internalize elements of the social structure, making those elements part of their own personality” (2020, p. 175). Even though not everyone follows the roles and norms they were socialized into, it still is a significant part of our everyday lives and experiences. So, for this week I will be exploring how gender socialization may inhibit or enhance the desire to have a child, as well as how workplaces may have gendered consequences for parenthood that affect one’s decision. I will not be talking about non-binary parents simply because that is a complex and nuanced discussion for which I have neither the evidence nor the word count to do that discussion justice.
Boys and girls are taught different values and traits by their families as part of their gendered socialization, and this may contribute to what they are interested in as they get older. Cohen says:
Girls on average prefer to play with toys that represent caring for others, such as dollhouses, food service, and other family-based toys. Toddler boys, on the other hand, tend to prefer impersonal toys, such as trains and trucks, and tools of power, such as weapons. (2020, p. 179)
Girls may, then, grow up to want to be mothers in part because they’re socialized into taking on nurturing roles with others as well as into performing more emotional or household labor rather than manual labor outdoors. It’s tempting to think that just because we’re shown that women stay home and have kids doesn’t mean that women will internalize that vision of womanhood, but socialization into certain careers is fairly relevant in people’s lives. Parents encouraging children to succeed in certain subjects in school, for instance, can influence which subjects children focus on, and such encouragement is often gendered. Personally, I would love to think that my interests in English and sociology come solely from some essence of who I am, but it would be silly to think that our environments don’t play a substantial role in what subjects we study. And I particularly know that in school I was always told I was best in English and social studies, while the boys in my class were told they were best in math and science (even when the girls in my class and I outperformed them in our math and science classes). So, I don’t think it is at all a stretch to say that part of what may contribute to some mothers choosing to have children is their socialization as women and their subsequent adoption of nurturing and caring for others into part of their identity.
There is also the issue of the motherhood penalty/fatherhood bonus where parenthood has gendered and unequal consequences for working parents. The motherhood penalty is when mothers’ careers are negatively impacted by their motherhood not through something inherent to being a mother, but through their employers’ perceptions of what their labor is worth as a mother rather than a woman without a child. Mothers will experience lower wages, as well as are less likely to be hired by potential employers. Mothers are also seen as less committed to their jobs as well as less dependable because they have children. These are all factors that could deter a woman from motherhood if she is the sole breadwinner and has particular career ambitions.
On the other hand, men are rewarded for becoming fathers. While mothers earn lower wages due to their motherhood, fathers may earn higher wages because of their fatherhood. Men are also seen as more dependable “family men” because of their fatherhood, which is something that employers look favorably on when granting employment or raises. Employers may also be swayed to award fathers higher wages in order to financially provide for their families. While Cohen (2020) talks about how couples may earn more recognition from their bosses as well as socially for being married, men may be more inclined to choose to become fathers because they know it will reflect well on them when it comes to business and social interactions.
I’ve seen the motherhood penalty/fatherhood bonus in my own parents, who work the same job but face different social responses to their parenthood. While my dad is seen as a more relatable and dependable man because he has children, my mother is seen by many as less competent because of her womanhood and less dependable because of her motherhood.
Overall, the gendered expectations men and women, contributed to through their socialization, may influence men and women — consciously or subconsciously — in their decisions of whether to have children.
